testing

once more i am seized by that sense of
having led a wasted life. Having achieved nothing
going nowhere.

appearances are maintained in good condition,
but the core things are not.

i speak not of higher things or spiritual matters
or morality or character, but the practical aspects
and planned actions in reality.

why am i here in NUS arts? things not looking gd man....
(maybe should have done JS major instead- may not make a diff either way
unless do civil service...)

kyo- the guy who i met in one JS mod- also the same guy who did won a recent
int'l model competition had a wife and kid aredy,
and can maintain study at same time...

many frens work part-time while studying

jus met a fren in church - 26 air force regular who has a 1plus yr old daughter.

U noe- family IS important in life- Children are the only way u leave a real legacy
be it good or bad. Not many people are like the Lee Kong Chians - and at best, u have
a statue/school/hospital named after u...
i mean, who gives a shit abt Benjamin Sheares now- we trample over his name
every week at least once(for those stayin in the eastern part of spore_)

But seriously guys...
im gettin worried.
incapacitated by fear- im reallie afraid to work u noe(cant say why. maybe jus cos its new)

im 23 this year- nothin to put on the CV
no major accomplisments ECA wise, community work wise,
zilch.-

Dont get me wrong- im not plagued by the emotions of self hate
or worthlessness per se...

just a step back and looking at harsh reality.

im screwed. (k i know not necessarily, but allow some poetic license here)

but if we would put faith into the media preach, which is exactly its concern at present,
we are now the scum of the labour market.
the least-marketable people ard.

i vaguely remember reading employment in all sectors are down
except that of I.T. (maybe i have a hope after all eh?)

but im not just griping abt credentials.
plspls not tt.

more like direction. Where are u going?
and more importantly, what are u doin to get there?

i always asked myself, but never reallie answered satisfactorily.

im runnin out of time...

u noe, im sure uve heard us talk abt the age diff btw guys n girls
- k 3 yrs isnt alot reallie
but it makes a big diff at this age,
and esp pyschologically, - at the start of the race.
thinking- im 23 (will be 24 in yr 3 or 25 by end of hons)
and nothin to account for ....
not to say tt "its all been a big waste of time"
but more
ive spent so much time to get here.
its been inefficient.

whereas u girls, would only b 19/20 yr 1
20/21 yr 2 21/22. u got a lot more time to
experiment, try out, - heck u could take another degree please u.
n stil in prime age.

enuff griping for now..

Dear diary...

wat have i been doin i know not...
Been spending, i consider,
way too many late nights out
with tt girl fr my jap class, along wif another guy fren,
and recently another

for those reading
READ: not date ok...

been wasting alot of stress getting jealous over silly things.

But its cos im confused-
duno wat i mean to her
not tt i know wat i want
but i did sorta tell her i liked her n jus wanna spend time,
for now.

thing is, t'wasnt me who made initial contact (no not alien life form_)
nor was it me who made first advances.

i jus responded in my opinion.

feel like im being taken for a ride
but she doesnt seem the type.

but she is physically more intimate wif guys than othersz ive seen
u noe, ring ard the arm, leaning on shoulder tt kinda thing
but it gets me going man

but its not justified cos we jus frens mah
nevertheless

n most of the time late nite outings is she organise one
n i gather mos of the time, we (the guys)
not say verry keen to go out
but not adverse to it lah

tho i eventually declined- (jus came back fr movie_)
the tickets were aredy booked (or so she says lah)

sigh
jus wanted to let it out

u noe, i think i forgot this time ard
to protect myself abit.

been too vulnerable

i shouldnt have let my guard down

course course, tts not (socially)healthy
but it helps me survive.

.....
now wat?.....

well... rag work is gng to start
dun need to go out n get stressed agn

haha v good

(plus ive been spending waayyyyyyy too much)

altho- ive been freeloading abt 90% of the time....
(haha - ppl dowan take money - heck
if they can afford it)
im tho onli one who doesnt have a job

but jus now she was jus making a passing remark
(in response to another frens remark
abt how she has to go to work in abt 2hrs time
yes she on morning shift
n not the first time)

abt how she always stay up late when she wif us
i immediately responded rather harshly
partly cos of mood partly cos she always organize
partly cos i was abit kena saboed to go this time
partly felt spendin too much time out late
which i dun like too much of
partly she want to not sleep tts her responsibility
(her tai chi)

but then agn not fair cos i think partially for today
is so i can collect my IC back fr the fren i lent to
to enter bar last nite

n also not tt ive ever violently objected, in fact always seem
rather keen

but end of it all
i v stress aredy dowan any more

think she jus like to have fun type lar
is me think too much aredy
fuck lar
like girl lai dat

ok gd nite all

P.S.

this is the kind of thing tt makes me cling to u
Lord,
but i dont want it to be like this
to have some trouble in the world
and go running back to daddy
"she bully me, dun fren her aredy"
(hurt whining )
tt kind of attitude
super no face man...

but maybe we onli go to God on our knees
n hes alright wif it onli
our own egos cant take it
cant see the truth.

Bless all..